There are probably many factors that dissuade one from committing suicide. I know that one thing that held me back was the memory of a poem I had written for a poetry class at Ball State University under Dr. William Sutton, who was writing a biography of Carl Sandburg while I worked with him on my master’s thesis. I include the poem here:
YOUNG CARPENTER
LAUGHING
As one laughs who knows the joy of making things
And seeing them stand finished,
Proud you left me.
HAMMER
Swinging at your side to tick the seconds
Of the blocks that took you homeward,
Boldly you trod.
SIDEWALK,
Taut as wire, quivered at the careless tread
Of one who knew not
Danger lurked there.
SOMETHING,
Once inside the door, told you all was not well,
And fear gripped your shuddering senses.
Frozen, you listened.
SILENCE
So deep that you could not have heard a cellar moan
Or known it was your father’s throat that made the sound,
Icy, it cut you.
TREMBLING,
You explored the lower depths in haste and found there
Rope from the beam, chair, and him,E
yes glazed, life nearly gone.
SHOULDERING!
And while you held him, grunting, weeping, strong boy of twelve
To rid the noose of awful weight, he died
And left you, a living Atlas.
SOBBING,
You bore the weight that had been his to bear,
Afraid to let him go and run for help until you knew
It was too late and all your pleading, loving words
Fell on deaf ears.
DRAINED,
You climbed the stairs that once were friendly
And knew there was no turning back again into the pit
Where you had left a father and a childhood
And emerged, with eyes of steel, a man.
1967
For certain my having written about the memory of my best friend’s experience when I was twelve caused me to realize the fruitless consequences of his father’s desperate act, and a renewed energy for teaching gave me the best years of my life.
“The more difficulties one sees in the world the more perfect one becomes. The more you plow and dig the ground the more fertile it becomes. The more you cut the branches of a tree the higher and stronger it grows. The more you put the gold in the fire, the purer it becomes. The more you sharpen the steel by grinding the better it cuts. Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in a tempest and difficult sailing the greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties. For this I am very happy—that you have had many sorrows. Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have had sorrows.” -‘Abdu’l-Baha
During that interview I found it hard to believe that I was being hired so easily. Finally, I brought up the matter that was bugging me so much: “In Indianapolis they told me they would never hire me because I was too expensive.”
He explained thus: “Well, I got your name on Friday, and I saw that you had taught at Eastern Hancock. I have always felt that the best way to get a notion of a teacher’s effectiveness is to go into the community where he has taught and ask casual questions.” He explained that on Saturday night they had played Eastern Hancock in basketball. Then he leaned across his desk and looked deep into my eyes as he said, “Young man, do you know that when the name John Rhoades is mentioned at Eastern, people’s faces light up?” I knew then that I was doubly blessed to have a job to begin the day before Thanksgiving and to work for a man like Robert Wade.
